Hey guys. It's been a while. So last night I ended up doing one of the craziest things in my recent life. It's sort of a lengthy story, so bear with me. As usual, the day started out pretty tame. Since it was Halloween, Shitel, Barry,
Thi, and I decided to meet up for total randomness at my place.
So, you know, nothing unusual about that. We pretty much spent the night watching the premiere episode of
The Walking Dead, and then Barry showed Thi a bunch of random scenes from
Koi... Mil Gaya. After everyone was good and tired, we were off to home. So far so good.
So yeah, after dropping Shitel, Thi, and then Barry off, it was around 2:00 and I started heading home. I made my usual turn onto San Pablo Dam Rd. toward Castro Ranch. This is where things start getting funky. ^_^" When I got to around Valley View, I was, like, "You know. I really don't feel like going home." So I made an early left onto Valley View and just kept driving.
I passed Olinda Rd, then Amend, and just kept on driving! Eventually, I somehow ended up back at Hilltop Mall, right around where Thi lives again. Haha. ^_^" I didn't feel like I was making headway anywhere, so I just pulled into the parking lot, turned off the engine, and stared into the emptiness.
It was here that I realized that there was actually a lot on my mind. For a good hour or so, I just sat there, letting the windows frost up, looking out to the sky. Aside from the security patrol and some random dude walking home once in a while*, it was quiet, peaceful, and serene. It was the perfect place to clear my mind.
You guys may not know it, but there has been a lot going on recently. Not just with me, but with friends and with family. Actually, the whole time I've been back from L.A., I've been in a sort of strange daze. I haven't really been sure what I should be doing or how I should go about doing it. It'd been a very odd last few months.
Anyway, after having sat there for a while, I resumed my long drive into randomness. I went on toward Richmond Parkway and eventually ended up somewhere in North Richmond near the industrial warehouses. I wasn't exactly sure where I should be going, but I still didn't feel like going home, so I kept driving. It was around 3:30 now.
I spent the next thirty minutes or so just driving around the neighborhoods in that area in a somewhat unorganized sporadic fashion. The place was kind of weird. The most poor-looking parts of the 'hood were right down the street from an affluent-looking midtown and houses with baby toys strewn across the lawn.
Finally, I came to the "conclusion" that I should probably head home. So I finally found myself on Rumrill and eventually hit San Pablo Ave. I was, like, "Okay. This is the final stretch." I got to Hilltop Drive, where I was about to turn, but then just kept driving. Then I found myself at Tara Hills and didn't turn. I drove past Appian, thinking, "Okay. I'll just take the back way home at Pinole Valley." But when I got to Pinole Valley/Tennent... I just kept driving.
Eventually, I got to Sycamore Ave... in Hercules! LOL. So, I was, like, "Okay. Maybe I should turn here." So I made a right on to Sycamore thinking there'll be some street along here that'll take me back toward home. Nope. I couldn't be more wrong.
Eventually, I ended up at some refineries up in the hills down from Highway 4. I found some partly-empty parking lot next to some medical-looking and just parked there, looking out onto the highway. (The dude at the parking kiosk totally saw me drive in, but didn't say a word.) It was peaceful. The stars, clear as day. My mind, clear as night. ...I began to ponder the verses once again.
Despite my lack of vocalization of this topic, things at home haven't been really good recently. I've been out of school for almost a year and have totally no clue what I should be doing. I have a bunch of projects that are sitting half-complete, and many things I want to do are still in their planning stages, and I've had no motivation to start them. I haven't been able to find work. For the past few months or so, I've just pretty much been sitting at home. Man. I really need to get things together!
I know that I have to get back to school, but much of my experience in L.A. has been a bit less than extraordinary. In fact, some of the things that transpired have shut me down from wanting to go back there for a good, long time. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that I couldn't take certain expectations there anymore and had to leave. But after all the thinking about my future, after all the worries and uncertainty, tonight things were crystal clear. I felt like I knew exactly what I had to do, and I knew exactly how.
Eventually, I got out of my car and walked down a small slope into what looked like a pasture area. For the next ten minutes or so, in the freezing air, I looked up at the sky, staring at the constellation Orion. (This wasn't my first time doing so that night. Earlier, when I had gone out to take out the garbage, I spent a good fifteen minutes doing the same.) I could see way more stars than back home. I guess there was not nearly as much light pollution, and not nearly as much human smog activity.
The night was really quiet. Cars were zooming by in the distance, headed to who knows where. Planes were flying far overhead. Man. Things were so... awesome! Why haven't I ever done this sort of spontaneous drive before?
Finally, I got the feeling that it was time to leave, so I got back in my car, and made my way back down the road that lead me here. It was now about 6:00.
At this point now, I had given up on going directly home. I just decided that, tonight and maybe from now on, I would just drive wherever my spirit takes me. And that's exactly what I did. I made my way down the hill and turned right onto the highway I had been staring at for the past hour or so and kept on goin'. The road took me east, so I drove east. I was going east. That's all I knew. That's all I had in my mind.
And so I drove. Man. So many vehicles all around me. So much delivery cargo to vending machines and supermarkets. So many people, all with a destination; all with a story. And for the first time in a good long while, I felt like was one of them. Integrated into the random floes of existence; all the cars and trucks, people getting an early start on work and parents driving their kids to far away schools. It's the craziest feeling. The road is an amazing place.
This is exactly what I needed. But at some good point, I realized that my tank was almost out of fuel! --sighs-- This all had to have come to an end, or so I thought. I passed several gas stations, hoping that I could hold out. I didn't want to exit. I was just flowin' with the world. But the further I drove, the more hopeless the idea of staying on the highway became. Eventually, I took an arbitrary exit before 680 and started my long search for a gas station.
Dude. There was totally nothing around! It crossed my mind to stop at one of the liquor stores that were still open and ask where the nearest pump was, but nope. Just as before, I kept on driving. I was seriously on empty now, and it was a long, winding road. I thought I could feel the engine sputtering, but in retrospect, it was probably just hypersensitivity.
This is where it hit me. Here I was. Driving on an empty tank in the middle of nowhere. The AC was going to keep my windows from fogging up; my engine about to die any minute. But, at the same time, I didn't really worried. ...Like, at all. Actually, for the first time in my life, I felt this sort of freedom from anxiety. If I got lost, whatever. It's not like I was really going anywhere, anyway. If my car died, whatever. I had Triple A. If I got struck by lightning, whatever. Life is just a blip in existence. Though I didn't want my car to run out of gas, it would just give me more time under the night sky. So... whatever.
Nevertheless, though, my thoughts on the subject or lack thereof were quelshed. I ran across a Shell station on some main road, also seeming to lead into nowhere. Dude, Shell is crazy. They have, like, TV screens to blare you with advertisements while you gas up. It's sort of weird and distracting, and probably kind of dangerous. Someone could easily sneak up on you and swipe your crud while your standing there learning about the newest show on ABC! So much for all the warnings to pay attention to your surroundings at gas stations.
After fueling up, I made my way out. This is when I realized that I had no idea where I actually was. So I got back on the road in the exact opposite direction I came from and just drove down looking for clues.
This was another long, winding road. Without really caring much of where I was in relation to home, I began noticing buildings with signs saying "Contra Costa" this and "Contra Costa" that, so I knew I was still in the county. Eventually, I just started following the car in front of me for no reason at all. (A sense of company, maybe?) At any rate, I ended up in some small town centered around a hospital and shopping district. This is where I saw it. I was in Martinez! Dang! I had traveled hecka far! ...And this is where Martinez was!
Man. Compared to Richmond or even Pinole, the Martinez shopping district looks pretty spiffy! The streets are clean; the roads are freshly paved. There aren't even any homeless people! I felt like I could just get out and leave the doors open, and come back an hour later and everything would be fine!
So, anyway, I drove around this town for a while before my random desire lead me back onto the road whence I came. I drove back along the long trail of windiness and found myself back at the Shell where I had fueled up. I had to turn right now. So I hit my blinker and kept going straight. ^_^"
Somehow, I eventually ended up on 680 going south. I saw a bunch of signs saying Oakland and San Jose, so I figured I was going the right direction.
I spent another eternity driving, just me and the road. Not a care in the world. I passed the junction of Highway 4. Passed the junction of 24, which would take me home. I just kept on cruisin'. Finally, it was crunch time, so to speak. The I-580 junction. My drive was almost over, so I thought. Time to head home. All I had to do was switch one lane to the right and get on 580 West. But my heart had other plans. (I guess I still didn't want to go home.) I kept on going right on past the junction.
I began passing towns I had only heard of before. Somerset. Alamo. Danville. Strange I had never been to these places. I also saw toll signs for freeways I had never heard of before. Before this night, I didn't even know that California had toll roads other than bridges! This totally blew my mind! At any rate, I made sure not to exit onto one of them. ^_^"
Still driving. I now passed the infamous Auto Mall Parkway that I always hear about on the radio during rush hour. Continuously driving. Endlessly driving. Cars changing lanes in front of me. Trucks entering and exiting the freeway. I was in no rush. I was just following the crowds. If slow big rigs came in front of me, I didn't need to change lanes. There was no point. I was free. Free to drive! Free not to rush.
Finally, after an eon of driving, an eon of following random 18-wheelers and early morning commuters, after an eon of zenning out and only paying attention to the here and now, I was in San Jose! Dude. Dreams of road trip started crossing my mind! Road trips and blogging about them! That would be awesome! I wondered if anyone would ever come with me on something like this.
101 was coming up. I wasn't sure what would happen next. What if I ended up going to San Francisco? That would be awesome! But I guess I wasn't feeling it. Whizzed right on past junction 101.
Where was I going now? I missed the S.F. junction. But wait. Wasn't I still going in a westward direction? I was on 280 now! This also blew my mind. 680 just
becomes 280?! It's like a giant lap around the Bay!! Looks like I was going to S.F. after all. Okay, one last chance. 880 coming up. I stared at the signs as I drove by them. Where was my essence taking me now? Where did I want to go? Road trip to S.F.?! Wooo! But, no. Guess I really wasn't feeling it, so I finally changed lanes. I took the 880 exit. ...and then the exit to West San Carlos. ^_^" I guess I was gonna go drive around San Jose for a while. ^_^""
Not so bad. San Jose looks like a cleaner version of L.A.. The land is flat. You got random peeps wandering the streets. There are small shops with neon lights lining the main street. But it was around 6:50 now, so I guess that was normal. Still cruisin' down San Carlos. Finally, I get to San Jose State. It was now around 7:00.
I didn't stop to get out of my car, but the campus looked pretty nice driving by. So well-lit and clean. And it looked big, but small enough to be manageable. This! This is it! It was here I decided. If I wasn't able to get in anywhere else, my goal would be San Jose State! I had looked them up before. They had the major that I needed. Their facilities were nice and pretty well-received. I had been concerned about the drive before, though. But having driven from Hercules to San Jose on a whim, I think I could handle this every morning. The drive didn't seem
that far, and the place seemed really nice. San Jose State, here I come! ...Maybe.
I turned right onto 4th and, lo-and-behold, ended up right back on 280 going west! Well, okay. I had my second chance now. San Francisco? It would be nice to blog about how I drove around the whole Bay. ^_^" Maybe some other time. Plus, there was traffic now. I took the 880 exit again and this time I stayed on until I hit the freeway. ^_^"
The rest of the journey is pretty simple. I think, for me, the trek ended with San Jose State. A sign it may not be, but at least I got to see the campus, as brief as it was. You know, returning to this college thing may not be so bad. The place is far enough to not have to go home all the time, but close enough to commute before rush hour.
I stayed on 880 for a good long while, thinking about my future again. The sun was rising now. A fitting end to the uncertainty of the journey, with excitement about the future for the first time in ages...
Hit 980 and decided to take it. The rest of the journey was just my back way home. Man, this trip was totally worth it! If not for seeing a clear sky and learning about the freeways, but for finally getting my life figured out. For finding the courage to stop fretting about the past and un-numbing my mind to the past seven years. It was time to move on!
And the best part, I totally felt uninhibited from taking the drive into the unknown! I felt no worries, and no anxiety. I had nowhere to be the next day. No major responsibilities to take care of for the next few hours or so. There was no one at home to worry about me. No one staying up, wondering where I was. I was in charge, even when it came to uncertainty. And this was a good feeling.
All-in-all, man. I totally need to do this more often. There should be nothing scary about stepping into uncertainty. Sometimes, you just need to turn off your mind and let your spirit drive. Whether it's after dropping someone off or after picking up late-night groceries. Just get in the car and take longest, most uncertain way home. You'll be glad you did. ^_^"
I posted a map of the major parts of the route below. Take a look if you want. [
link ]
View Larger MapNote: Some neighborhood travel and city driving routes were simplified for the sake of Google Maps.EDIT: HTML edited for better link control. 2010-11-02 11:46 PDT
